to my chinese friend

First I should say that in my last post I am not trying to prove that my pain is worse than my friends pain.
I am just saying that she might have been right at the edge, but she never really went under. She has always been able to pick herself up at the last minute, by putting her mind on something else and often by changing the truth quite forcefully to fit her own mind, by lying to herself. Maybe in the end it is just a case of her having more willpower, or maybe she is just that little bit more shallow, just depends on how you look at it.

Now i come to the second reason her ‘novel’ really irritates me: morals.
In her situation i can understand her being defensive, afraid of being judged. Her indignation can be read throughout the whole text. It says: read this with an open mind, try to understand my point of view. I am just trying to love and to be loved.

But at the same time she has been judging me with the same moral severity as most people would judge her.
You see: I don’t date. What a terrible crime!
I had one boyfriend years ago and haven’t ever started looking for another one. Worse even: i confess openly that i still love my first boyfriend and that it still confuses and even hurts seeing him, that seems to make me completely pathetic. I must be some sad little person…
My passiveness in this part of my life is for P the most terrible crime ever. I think that is what she actually meant when she said i wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy. Forget about all the other things I have done in my life: study art, travel through China and Spain, live in Berlin, start my own bussiness, doesn’t count for anything. I am not dating and this means i am not looking for happiness. The fact that i am not looking for happiness also means i am not allowed to be sad. If i would be going from one bed to the other, jumping from one relationship to another (trying out different kinds of happiness?), i would be allowed to be confused and unhappy from time to time, but since i am not, any sadness i am feeling is just my own fault, i should just open up more and stop living in the past.

So my friend:
Well, i am sorry, but i am just trying to live my own life. I will be sad from time to time and happy from time to time and i don’t think i am worth less because i don’t have a boyfriend. Sometimes i wonder if i am missing out on things, but most of the time i am pretty proud of all i have done so far. I haven’t had a hunderd boyfriends, but i did really love one person and i know he loved me even if it wasn’t perfect and didn’t last. And i am sure i will meet someone again, but if this doesn’t happen: so be it.
And this doesn’t make me frustrated or bitter or pathetic.
Just different from you.